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Tuesday Round-up for Friends

2008 September 2

I’ve not much to write this week. My migraine frequency is the highest it has ever been. At least measured over 28 or 56 days. To try to assess the benefits of each preventative one after another the medical profession suggests, I keep three moving averages. The three I keep are 28, 56 and 112 days (2x, 4x and 8x fortnightly periods; whose background level used to be 1 – that is 2 migraines per month). The weekly moving average duration (hours per week in pain) is also the highest ever. All in all, things are bad and getting worse. Close in fact to the average of one per day; what I consider “disabling” rather than “incapacitating”; even if the benefits system may disagree. All of this adds up to meaning I haven’t been able to do much in the last week.

I missed a documentary a couple of weeks ago on the rise of people buried with no-one at their funerals: People who have, almost literally, disappeared. I suspect that a fair proportion of them may have had illness or disability that meant they kept no friends. After all, it’s hard to talk about nothing at all. “I’ve done nothing this week except sleep off pain and catch up on chores.” “I missed that programme, because I was unwell.” “No, I haven’t seen Gemima lately; after all, I’ve not been out in a while now.”

Yet you may be surprised to read I’m not unhappy. Yes, I’d like to have things to talk about. Yes, I’d like to be making my friends laugh. But I’m not feeling the need to borrow a mortgage from a bank and delude myself I own a house. I’m not chasing after the latest “must-have” gadget. I’m not abusing someone who cut me up on the way home from work. All in all, were I not absorbing a small amount of money from society without contributing at the moment, I’m actually doing very little harm at least while I slowly disappear.

I just wish my head didn’t hurt so much and so often.

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